After tumultuous litigation and countless Metallica downloads Kazaa has agreed to become a legal download service and pay $100,000,000 to the slighted and very patient record industry.

“Holy living shit,” exclaimed Skype, a voice-over-IP company founded by the owners of Kazaa. “Our heads are next on the chopping block, man!”

“Oh Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph,” added Skype, wiping soppy throw-up from its quivering chin.

The record industry has announced it plans to fairly distribute the awarded money to its artists. “These artists worked hard to get where they are. They put a lot of time to write their music, tour and build their image. This money… it is not ours. It is theirs, and we are going to see to it that it safely finds its way to their pockets,” said General Music Executive in between stifled giggles.

Ever use Google Chat? A typical conversation goes something like this:

“sooooo boered”

“lol”

“wht r u up 2 2nite”

“nuthin”

“oh man. check this shiz out http://www.bootyninja.com”

“doood you are gay.”

Google is so onto those n00.bz. When you click on a link you can see that the url is first directed through Google’s servers. Which (of crs) allows google to keep track of the links which were clicked. It would ttly make sense for Google to rank pages that were chatted about higher. I mean, if you take the time to tell one of your (butt) “buddies” about a link, then you must think it is significant in some manner.

That was the original philosophy of PageRank: if it is good enough for you to link to, then it must be a good site.

The course of action is clear. Penis pill companies are going to higher scads of Indian youth to have chats including links about penis pills.

You were beat up as a kid so I’m sure the idea of blacklisting the web page owned by the company owned by the bully that gave you so many wedgies is appealing in the way that your mom fitting you for pants is appealing.

The idea is simple. Still, I’ll go slow. Send obvious spams to Gmail accounts. The email should contain the URL for that company. Users will mark the email as spam. If Google is worth its hype, it should take note of which emails are flagged as spams and then punish any URLs enclosed therin.

You now have your revenge, but you’re still a spaz and that guy will always be better looking than you.

My pasty white ass they don’t!  I’ll bet Google uses every bit of info they can get their grubbly little data-centers on!  I got that quote, by the way, from this article which contains quotes from a Google engineer.  Listen: when you install the toolbar you get all sorts of goodies free of charge, but hey guess what?  Google gets to monitor web surfing habits free of charge.  Google knows which pages you went to, what time of da and for how long.  You’re Google’s bitch.  More on what other data they probably use in future articles, but know this:  imagine those two little “o”s in “Google” as eyeballs totally checking you out while your on the potty.  Then imagine some holographic AdSense poping up, “New and used toilet paper on eBay!”

Readers of this blog are by now well familiar with how very much Google enjoys squeezing our collective nutsacks, but did you know they also enjoy making money? This news came as a minor shock to me.

Just out of the labs motherfuckers: Google Accessible Search which is just like them saying, “Yahoo! and MSN don’t give a shit about the legally blind. But you know what? Those little MaGoo bastards may not see well, but they can click on ads just like anyone else!”

Microsoft responded with, “we’re not sure if our middle finger is big enough to comply with the W3C’s Web Content Accessibility Guidelines, but we’re putting it up as high as we possibly can.”

I’m sure you’ve all heard about this shit.  Some enterprising hackers have found a way to make Google gay for viruses.  It’s actually fucking clever and I hope Google gives these d00dz like some money and shit because they’re totally making Google’s shit look HUGE!

Google is drunk on power and staggers around the party bumping into people acting like a huge cunthole.  “Hey!  heyhave you sheen my… my new… um… online paying scheme,” Google mumbles moistly into eBay’s ear.

“Get the fuck away from me, you simpleton,” shouts eBay, pushing Google off of its shoulder.

“Oh yeah?  whatthefuck ya gonna do, hunh?  I fucking own your balls!”

“I’m not going to use your fucking payment scheme!”

“K, so I’m naw gonna index yer goddamn site, bitch!  ohyea an all those adwords ya got everywhere?  no more ‘buy new and used condoms at eBay,’ motherfucker!”

It hasn’t happened, but fuck it would fucking RAGE. Like that fucking RSS logo that pops up in the URL bar when there’s a feed, you know? All “click on me” and shit. I go to some business page and fucking BAM there’s a the Skype button. You know I be orderin’ they productz. And then Skype shoudl ttly make some deal with like MySpace and shit ’cause you know teens would fucking call each other all the fucking time if on their horked-on-CSS page had a “Skype Me” button. it would be a goddamn omg-orgy but it would totally get Skype going. Teens. We hate them, but goddamn if they don’t have more money than they should.

Why doesn’t Google just fucking say, “pay us whatever you feel like.  We trust you.”  Are they really that cocky about their squeeze-hold on advertisers’ pair?  These cost-per-action things measure action and ACTION goes down on the intarwub by page-views.  Like if someone like your mom goes and buys a dildo on dildomonster.net then when the order is complete it shootes the proud new dildo owner to a page saying something like “thanks for your purchase, your vajeen is sure to love this” and on that page is some sort of hidden Google script which is all ah-ha a sale!  But how fucking cinche would it be to make it so that purchasers go to the gay-for-google page only half of the time and the other half to some thankyou page that doesn’t have the code?  Pretty fuckin’ cinche.