Bling out yo web logo all Google-style. Damn.

Google is coming out of the gates with something kind of like an office suite. I don’t know. The whole announcement sounds like a big snoo-zers. Duh moment of the day: it will be add supported. I mean, c’mon, Google. Is that the future of everything? When the fuck are people going to actually buy anything? There’s even a big trend to put up AdWords ads for web pages that are AdSense supported! WTMF? If ads are so frickin’ effective then why aren’t tv’s handed out for free? Maybe if they were only locked to one chanel they would be. Maybe they just never thought about that. And by “they” I mean “your mom”.

Some time last year I was looking at my website and due to a slip of the mouse clicked on one of my AdSense ads. Ha ha ha! Just kidding Google! Since Google so tightly owns my balls my crack sweats at the thought even the slightest squeeze. I don’t make a fortune from AdSense, but it’s enough that I’d miss it. Similar to how youI miss my sweet skirt steak. I wrote Google a really nice letter saying hey, my bad and could you not charge the advertiser for that click ’cause it was totally accidental. Rather than a nice oh-no-problem, they send back this letter that was unnecessarily you-should-never-do-that just almost as a reminder how very firm and cupped their hands are on my sack. It’s like dood I’m sure this shit happens all the time. People go to their own websites and mistakes fucking happen so chill.

I read about things like Google’s free wireless plans and I think how tightly do you want to squeeze my balls? You already have them nestled firmly in your hands with already a solid degree of pressure being symmetrically pushed on the testies. Its like how much power do they want? How long will they drink the sweet nectar of my tears? Look, Google, seriously, I don’t have much money. Why do you think you can convice me to buy buy buy when I fucking can’t can’t can’t? yes, with their wifi they will be able to track your every little scratch on the internet. Can’t I look at my Ron Jeremy pron in the privacy of my own balls?

Alexa just told me that Baidu.com is ranked fourth in traffic, right after Google? WTF? It looks like some sort of search engine, but not dealing with any language that I know. Get on the ball, Google! This is your bread and butter and Baidu is totally giving you the ol’ ham sandwich.

Yo, so it neva hurtz ta putt a f3w mispellings

AdSense, dSense, ASense, Adense, AdSnse, AdSese, AdSene, AdSens, dASense, ASdense, AdeSnse, AdSnese, AdSesne, AdSenes, qdSense, wdSense, sdSense, zdSense, AeSense, ArSense, AfSense, AcSense, AxSense, AsSense, Adwense, Adeense, Addense, Adxense, Adzense, Adaense, AdSrnse, AdSdnse, AdSsnse, AdSwnse, AdS3nse, AdS4nse, AdSebse, AdSehse, AdSejse, AdSemse, AdSenwe, AdSenee, AdSende, AdSenxe, AdSenze, AdSenae, AdSensr, AdSensd, AdSenss, AdSensw, AdSens3, AdSens4, AAdSense, AddSense, AdSSense, AdSeense, AdSennse, AdSensse, AdSensee,

I’m sho U Be eharin’ that Google get all phil-an-thropik on Mountainview’s azz by offrin’ free wi-fi ‘n shiz. But yo, check, they know whut up. Moutainview just that beginnin’, gnome sayin’? This be a test run. Google want to know if the infomashun they be gleanin’ frum dis exprmnt gonna pan out to that benjaminz that you know they wanna be makin’.

Google’s got a brand new funk… but what else is new? They got so much new funk they be puttin’ CK1 out of bidness. Dis funk be Writely , they new competition fo mikerowsoft’s Word. Word up. I’m likin’ that it be all lettin’ publish 2 mah blog. It haz skillz no 2 b d nide! What I gotta go do l8r is then go 2tha blog categories and edit those from mah blog. Thats a bit of a pain in the a55, but it may be worth it fo tha e-z fo-mattin’ an spellchek (which I use all tha time). We’ll see how this shiz looks when I be publishin’ it.

Hey, Writely, spellcheck this shiaz:

writely writeli ritely witely wrtely wriely writly writey writel rwitely wirtely wrtiely wrietly writley writeyl eritely sritely aritely qritely wtitely wfitely wditely weitely wrotely wrltely wrktely wrutely wriyely wrigely wrifely wrirely writrly writdly writsly writwly writeoy writepy writeky writelu writelh writelg writelt wwritely wrritely wriitely writtely writeely writelly writelyy

I finally broke down and put these words on GOMB’s spam blacklist:

Xenical, Viagra, Tramadol, Xanax, Phentermine, Cialis, Vicodin, Soma, Levitra, Valium, Hydrocodone, poker, gambling, casino, porn

So, you know, if you have to leave a comment, try not to write something like, “doodz, I ttly saw ths aw3some porn where they were gambling with cialis pills and then the chick like got naked n shit.”

But you and I wouldn’t have this problem if it weren’t for Google. The same gay reason “miserable failure” links to the presidential homepage is why I have to moderate comments about chode-sucking penis pills. I’m not going to go into the details of why this is. You’re a smart fella (or womanella or whatever). Just know that I feel your pain, fellow blogger. I feel it with my entire scrotum.

Oh and a big queef in the direction of rel=”nofollow”. That shit is useless.

And Apple doesn’t want you naming things “pod”? Here’s an idea let’s just piss everyone off and create something called the “GooglePod”. Looks like someone has beat us to this particular punch: http://www.googlepod.com/

Lawyers, get to rammin’!