Google thinks they can get me out of bed for fuckin’ pointz?  Mothafuckin’ pointz?  You’ve gotsa be kiddin’ me.  All this shiz as of late iz makin’ me a little wary of them. 4REAL.  nomesayin?  Like they want us to label m-ages for pointz but whatdafuck kinda good are these pointz?  What will they get me?  P-diddy was straight-up when that mothafucka said it’s all about tha benjaminz ’cause true dat, every brother knows it is.  Would we get pointz fo like AdWerds or somthin?  Tha’d be dope.  I’d be tryin’ that, Google, but it you think I just roll-over for just pointz an pointz alone, you be smokin’ some fuckin chronic!

Google has absolutely rocked my vagina with the release of Tesseract OCR.  As you know, I am totally gay for Optical Character Recognition.  The other open source options out there are so bad they are not even laughable as in “oh hahahaha look a the funny way it spelled this word!”  It’s more like, “who the fuck passed out on the keyboard?”

Bling out yo web logo all Google-style. Damn.

And Apple doesn’t want you naming things “pod”? Here’s an idea let’s just piss everyone off and create something called the “GooglePod”. Looks like someone has beat us to this particular punch: http://www.googlepod.com/

Lawyers, get to rammin’!

So it seems that Google has it’s panties all in a bunch over people using their name as a verb.  Like “I didn’t know about why I was bleeding from there, so I googled it.”  Like the appropriate way to do things is “I found my self becoming increasing fascinated on the subject of dynamic paradigms so I consulted the Google web searching device to find conveniently ranked sources on the world wide Internet for the exact information I was seeking!”

I have an idea.  As a matter of protest, why don’t we from now on refer to the act of squeezing testicles as “googling.”  Example:  “I was on all fours covered in vegetable oil with a dildo in my ass when she came up behind me and googled me.”

“I was just about to turn and run when she googled me so hard a stream of salty tears ran down my cheek.”

Or maybe what “smurf” was to the smurfs, “google” should be for us.  “I was going to google the googling googles when out of google there pooped the googlest google I’ve ever googled!”

GOMB is a new blog which talks about things that are already prolifically discussed on the web, so I knew it would take a bit to get any traffic from search engines. But now, my friends and enemies, the wait is over. GOMB recently celebrated its first search engine referral for the term: “dildomonster.”

“Yes, come to GoogleOwnsMyBalls.com for timely and hilarious commentary on search engines and, of course, dildomonster. It is our promise that GOMB will satisfy all of your SE and dildomonster news needs.”

Okay. What the fukc? Dildomonster? When the fuck did I ever write about that? More importantly, why didn’t I think of it before? I mean, of course! The dildomonster market is bureoning, untapped. Search engines are played out… a thing of the past. Yesterday’s news. No, dildomonster, that is the stuff of the future! Look to the horizon, my brothers, and you will see, cresting the mountainpeeks: dildmonster! Your lord. Your savior.

“Lick that ass!” cried the Associated Press, on all fours, as Google prepared to service it.

New blog on tha block. PimpMyPageRank. It ain’t tryin’ ta front. Tha PlayaAdmin fo GOMB be seein’ a link to that GOMB cribb from PMPR so we be checkin’ it. Get this: it’s legittt. 4 realz, dogg. We rekomend tha U B puttin’ they RSS all up in yo reada wit a quickness!

Plus yo we be diggin’ this artikle on how AdSens be suckin’ design-wise. Like, U B droppin’ crazy benjaminz tryin 2 git yo site all blinged out then Google come on ‘n take a shit right on it. But yo, crzy mo proppz to PMPR fo makin’ they AdSense lookin’ all intigratid ‘n shit.

Readers of this blog are by now well familiar with how very much Google enjoys squeezing our collective nutsacks, but did you know they also enjoy making money? This news came as a minor shock to me.

From the moment I felt Google eversogently cup its hands around my scrotum I knew that my balls’ new home was Mountainview, CA. Howtho to express this best with a URL? What do you think about googleownsmyballs.com, oh GoDaddy, master of my domain names? Not taken, we’ll I’ll be felching a donkey. What’s this? Other suggestions I may want to consider, eh, GoDaddy? Pray what is it you have in store for me? What gem of suggestions have our robot masters shat from their coggy bottoms?

• LOOKOWNSMYORBS.COM $8.95*/yr
• GOOGLEOWNSMYGLOBES.COM $8.95*/yr
• GOOGLEOWNSMYORBS.COM $8.95*/yr
• GOOGLEOWNSMYOWNBALLS.COM $8.95*/yr
• SEARCHOWNSMYBALLS.COM $8.95*/yr
• GOOGLEPRIVATEMYBALLS.COM $8.95*/yr
• LOOKOWNSMYBALLS.COM $8.95*/yr
• GOOGLEOWNSMYOWNORBS.COM $8.95*/yr
• SEARCHOWNSMYGLOBES.COM $8.95*/yr
• SEARCHOWNSMYOWNBALLS.COM $8.95*/yr

OMFG! How could I have not even considered GooglePrivateMyBalls??? I’m sucha urltard.