I’m sho U Be eharin’ that Google get all phil-an-thropik on Mountainview’s azz by offrin’ free wi-fi ‘n shiz. But yo, check, they know whut up. Moutainview just that beginnin’, gnome sayin’? This be a test run. Google want to know if the infomashun they be gleanin’ frum dis exprmnt gonna pan out to that benjaminz that you know they wanna be makin’.

Google’s got a brand new funk… but what else is new? They got so much new funk they be puttin’ CK1 out of bidness. Dis funk be Writely , they new competition fo mikerowsoft’s Word. Word up. I’m likin’ that it be all lettin’ publish 2 mah blog. It haz skillz no 2 b d nide! What I gotta go do l8r is then go 2tha blog categories and edit those from mah blog. Thats a bit of a pain in the a55, but it may be worth it fo tha e-z fo-mattin’ an spellchek (which I use all tha time). We’ll see how this shiz looks when I be publishin’ it.

Hey, Writely, spellcheck this shiaz:

writely writeli ritely witely wrtely wriely writly writey writel rwitely wirtely wrtiely wrietly writley writeyl eritely sritely aritely qritely wtitely wfitely wditely weitely wrotely wrltely wrktely wrutely wriyely wrigely wrifely wrirely writrly writdly writsly writwly writeoy writepy writeky writelu writelh writelg writelt wwritely wrritely wriitely writtely writeely writelly writelyy

I finally broke down and put these words on GOMB’s spam blacklist:

Xenical, Viagra, Tramadol, Xanax, Phentermine, Cialis, Vicodin, Soma, Levitra, Valium, Hydrocodone, poker, gambling, casino, porn

So, you know, if you have to leave a comment, try not to write something like, “doodz, I ttly saw ths aw3some porn where they were gambling with cialis pills and then the chick like got naked n shit.”

But you and I wouldn’t have this problem if it weren’t for Google. The same gay reason “miserable failure” links to the presidential homepage is why I have to moderate comments about chode-sucking penis pills. I’m not going to go into the details of why this is. You’re a smart fella (or womanella or whatever). Just know that I feel your pain, fellow blogger. I feel it with my entire scrotum.

Oh and a big queef in the direction of rel=”nofollow”. That shit is useless.

And Apple doesn’t want you naming things “pod”? Here’s an idea let’s just piss everyone off and create something called the “GooglePod”. Looks like someone has beat us to this particular punch: http://www.googlepod.com/

Lawyers, get to rammin’!

So it seems that Google has it’s panties all in a bunch over people using their name as a verb.  Like “I didn’t know about why I was bleeding from there, so I googled it.”  Like the appropriate way to do things is “I found my self becoming increasing fascinated on the subject of dynamic paradigms so I consulted the Google web searching device to find conveniently ranked sources on the world wide Internet for the exact information I was seeking!”

I have an idea.  As a matter of protest, why don’t we from now on refer to the act of squeezing testicles as “googling.”  Example:  “I was on all fours covered in vegetable oil with a dildo in my ass when she came up behind me and googled me.”

“I was just about to turn and run when she googled me so hard a stream of salty tears ran down my cheek.”

Or maybe what “smurf” was to the smurfs, “google” should be for us.  “I was going to google the googling googles when out of google there pooped the googlest google I’ve ever googled!”

AdWords, dWords, AWords, Adords, AdWrds, AdWods, AdWors, AdWord, dAWords, AWdords, AdoWrds, AdWrods, AdWodrs, AdWorsd, qdWords, wdWords, sdWords, zdWords, AeWords, ArWords, AfWords, AcWords, AxWords, AsWords, Adeords, Adsords, Adaords, Adqords, Ad2ords, Ad3ords, AdWprds, AdWlrds, AdWkrds, AdWirds, AdW9rds, AdW0rds, AdWotds, AdWofds, AdWodds, AdWoeds, AdWo4ds, AdWo5ds, AdWores, AdWorrs, AdWorfs, AdWorcs, AdWorxs, AdWorss, AdWordw, AdWorde, AdWordd, AdWordx, AdWordz, AdWorda, AAdWords, AddWords, AdWWords, AdWoords, AdWorrds, AdWordds, AdWordss,

GOMB is a new blog which talks about things that are already prolifically discussed on the web, so I knew it would take a bit to get any traffic from search engines. But now, my friends and enemies, the wait is over. GOMB recently celebrated its first search engine referral for the term: “dildomonster.”

“Yes, come to GoogleOwnsMyBalls.com for timely and hilarious commentary on search engines and, of course, dildomonster. It is our promise that GOMB will satisfy all of your SE and dildomonster news needs.”

Okay. What the fukc? Dildomonster? When the fuck did I ever write about that? More importantly, why didn’t I think of it before? I mean, of course! The dildomonster market is bureoning, untapped. Search engines are played out… a thing of the past. Yesterday’s news. No, dildomonster, that is the stuff of the future! Look to the horizon, my brothers, and you will see, cresting the mountainpeeks: dildmonster! Your lord. Your savior.

Analytics, Analitics, nalytics, Aalytics, Anlytics, Anaytics, Analtics, Analyics, Analytcs, Analytis, Analytic, nAalytics, Aanlytics, Anlaytics, Anayltics, Analtyics, Analyitcs, Analytcis, Analytisc, qnalytics, wnalytics, snalytics, znalytics, Abalytics, Ahalytics, Ajalytics, Amalytics, Anqlytics, Anwlytics, Anslytics, Anzlytics, Anaoytics, Anapytics, Anakytics, Analutics, Analhtics, Analgtics, Analttics, Anal6tics, Anal7tics, Analyyics, Analygics, Analyfics, Analyrics, Analy5ics, Analy6ics, Analytocs, Analytlcs, Analytkcs, Analytucs, Analyt8cs, Analyt9cs, Analytixs, Analytids, Analytifs, Analytivs, Analyticw, Analytice, Analyticd, Analyticx, Analyticz, Analytica, AAnalytics, Annalytics, Anaalytics, Anallytics, Analyytics, Analyttics, Analytiics, Analyticcs, Analyticss,

Google’s analysis of click-fraud report

Google to warn of unsafe websites

Google has signed a $900m deal with Fox to provide search capabilities for Fox sites, which is to say mainly MySpace.

The University of California opens up its libraries to Google’s book-scanning project.  I remember reading that thought the US population is now huge and still growing the national park attendance has gone down.  Down!  Yellowstone can’t compete with xBox, me guess.  I picture the same happening to libraries.  Once crucial to any community or campus, they will become dust-filled tombs.

“Lick that ass!” cried the Associated Press, on all fours, as Google prepared to service it.